Unpacking Tough Love in Therapy: When Adults in Authority Cross the Line

As therapists, we often work in reverse.

We sit across from adults grappling with anxiety, perfectionism, or chronic people-pleasing, and as we gently peel back the layers, we don’t always find one big, dramatic event. More often, it’s not one defining trauma, but a quiet unravelling; being dismissed, minimized, or silenced in moments that seemed small, but stacked up.

And frequently, those wounds were delivered by adults who were just doing their job: a parent, a teacher, a coach, a mentor. Well-meaning, perhaps, but not always well-attuned.

The cost? Still very real. 

The anxiety. The second-guessing. The inability to trust one’s own gut. It often traces back to childhood moments when authority figures didn’t just cross a line, they casually stepped over it, clipboard in hand, calling it character building.

We tend to think of trauma as catastrophe - abuse, neglect, disaster. However, sometimes trauma presents itself in a tidy package labelled discipline.

Many of us were raised to value obedience over boundaries. We were taught to respect authority, no matter how it behaved, and to stay quiet when something didn’t feel right. If it hurts, toughen up. Take the hit. Be a team player.

And that lesson sticks.

It shows up later in life when we confuse being agreeable with being safe, when we apologize for having needs, when we call people-pleasing being nice.

But therapy teaches something different. Therapy says: Listen to that discomfort. Name it. Trust the inner voice that says, “This doesn’t feel okay.”

So, what happens when today’s kids, the ones being taught to feel, to name, to speak, run into adults who never learned those same skills?

They get labelled: dramatic, difficult, entitled, disrespectful. Especially when they draw boundaries in spaces where tough love is still the norm.

But what if these kids aren’t being defiant? What if they’re showing the very self-awareness we hope to nurture?

What if saying no, expressing discomfort, or rejecting emotional manipulation is actually a sign of strength, not disrespect?

We know this: kids thrive in environments where safety and dignity aren’t rewards, they’re the baseline.

Not every child will make the team, ace the test, or win the part, but every child deserves to be treated with respect.

That means:

• Clear and compassionate communication

• Feedback without shame

• Boundaries that are explained and modelled

• Discipline that teaches, not humiliates

This isn’t about coddling or shielding kids from challenge. It’s about ensuring challenge comes from a place of care, not control.

Because for many children, especially those with trauma histories, the adults around them aren’t just authority figures. They’re lifelines. Anchors.

And when those anchors lead with empathy, they don’t just raise achievers, they raise emotionally healthy humans.

So, here’s to the adults who pause when a child says, This doesn’t feel okay. That’s not defiance. That’s emotional literacy. That’s the foundation of mental health.

Let’s stop excusing cruelty as a rite of passage.

Let’s raise children who expect to be treated with kindness, and adults who remember that true leadership isn’t about control, but presence.

Let’s raise kids who recognize the difference between guidance and harm and who grow into adults who remember what it felt like to be small, unheard, or dismissed.

And let’s be the ones who choose, now, to lead with empathy.

Bonnie Kelly is a Registered Provisional Psychologist specializing in working with families and teens struggling with identity, gender, relationships, and school. She is passionate about helping people better understand and express themselves, find their strengths, connect, and thrive. Bonnie provides affirming online therapy for individuals, families, and couples in Calgary and across Alberta, especially for neurodiverse, gender diverse, and 2SLGTBQIA+ folks.