Shame can feel like it’s all of you.
Some people notice it as a hot face, a slouch or wanting to look away.
Others hear it as a harsh voice that says something is wrong with them.
Some only notice it when they hide, apologize or stay quiet so no one looks too closely.
Maybe you feel:
- defective
- embarrassed
- invisible
- too much
Shame comes from the fear of losing connection with the people you need.
Shame often carries messages that were never about you.
What is Shame?
Shame is the painful feeling that who you are is flawed, unworthy or unlovable.
It can feel like a verdict on your whole self, rather than on your action or reaction.
Shame is a signal about belonging, often rooted in the fear of being rejected or excluded.
Shame is usually learned, often from how others treated you when you were most vulnerable.
It can grow especially when your emotions or needs were met with criticism.
Families and cultures shape what feels shameful, and people show it in different ways.
Shame can keep you hidden from your own life.
Signs and Symptoms of Shame
Physical
- avoiding eye contact
- flushed face
- hunched shoulders
- sinking stomach
Mental
- harsh self-talk
- perfectionism
- replaying mistakes
- spiraling
Emotional
- black hole
- dread of being seen
- humiliation
- self-disgust
Social
- apologizing a lot
- hiding mistakes
- over-explaining
- people-pleasing
What Causes Shame?
Shame is learned from many places at once:
- Your body: some nervous systems are more sensitive to rejection, and being different can draw criticism.
- Your experiences: being blamed, mocked, abused or harshly punished can teach you that you are the problem.
- Your relationships: growing up with criticism, conditional love or secrets can leave you feeling unworthy.
- Your world: diet culture, homophobia, poverty, discrimination, racism and oppression can place shame on whole groups.
Hiding shame can protect you, and it can also keep you from the connection that eases it.
Shame is an emotion, not a measure of your worth.
Shame and Your Nervous System
Shame is a state of freeze and collapse that can come on in seconds.
Your face may flush, your eyes drop and your body folds in to make you smaller.
Shame can also be one sign of a nervous system that’s stuck or out of sync.
That can look like a big wave of shame over something small.
Going still and small is your body’s way of protecting you when you feel exposed.
Your nervous system can learn it’s safe to be seen and find a new baseline.
Shame and Trauma
What if shame grew from what you went through?
After trauma, shame can attach to what happened or what you did to survive.
Shame can also be used against you to make you believe you are the problem.
Small reminders, like a tone of voice, a certain look or being criticized, can bring shame back.
That’s part of why it can seem to come from nowhere.
Shame after trauma can look like keeping secrets, blaming yourself or idealizing others.
Each of these once helped you stay connected to people you couldn’t afford to lose.
With safety and support, the weight of shame can start to lift.
Ways to Care for Yourself
Notice the wave
When shame rises, notice the heat or the sinking feeling. Let it move through you like a wave.
Let yourself hide
If you want to curl up or hide, let yourself. Hoodies, sunglasses and hats can help you feel safer.
Hear the voice
Notice when your inner voice is harsh and just hear the words and tone. Maybe it sounds old or familiar.
Share one piece
Tell one person you trust a small piece of what you carry. Let someone see you, a little at a time.
When to Get Help
You might tell yourself you deserve to feel this way.
But shame can get louder the longer you stay quiet.
It might be time to reach out if shame:
- drives harsh self-talk
- follows you everywhere
- keeps you hiding
- stops you from asking for help
Whatever happened, you don't have to carry it alone.
When you feel ashamed, it’s time to get help.
Therapy can help you feel safe enough to be seen, without judgment.
Questions About Shame
Why do I feel ashamed of who I am?
Why do I blame myself for what happened?
Why do I freeze when someone criticizes me?
Why can’t I talk about it?
What’s the difference between shame and guilt?
Is shame ever helpful?
Is shame connected to anxiety or depression?
Will talking about shame make it worse?
Resources for Shame in Alberta
If you're in crisis, call or text 988 any time, day or night. For more crisis lines across Alberta, visit our crisis support page.
Support Lines
- Mental Health Helpline: 1-877-303-2642. Free support and referrals for anyone in Alberta, 24/7.
- 211 Alberta: Call or text 211, or chat online, to find local mental health services and community supports.
- Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868. Confidential support for young people, 24/7.
Learn and Practice
- Brené Brown: Read about shame and guilt from a researcher who studies shame.
- Self-Compassion Institute: Free guided practices for meeting yourself with kindness.
- Togetherall: Free, anonymous online peer support, moderated around the clock, for Albertans 16 and older.
Related Topics in This Library
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