Abuse can make you doubt yourself.
Some people are being hurt now, or still feel the hurt years later.
Some have lived in a home where abuse happened and are still carrying what they saw or felt.
Others have hurt someone and are trying to stop.
Maybe you feel:
- ashamed
- confused
- loyal
- trapped
Abuse is human-to-human harm, and your nervous system is not built to cope with it.
Understanding abuse can help you make sense of what happened.
What is Abuse?
Abuse is harm or control by another person, often someone close to you or with power over you.
It can be emotional, financial, physical, sexual, spiritual or verbal.
Neglect by caregivers is also a form of abuse.
Abuse is never deserved, and it affects everyone it touches, including people who witness it.
Many people are living or have lived through abuse, and many don’t call it abuse until much later.
It can look different across relationships and cultures, and it can be overt (open and obvious) or covert (hidden and subtle).
Feeling safe with the people in your life matters.
Signs and Symptoms of Abuse
Physical
- flinching
- headaches
- startling
- trouble sleeping
Mental
- doubting memories
- making excuses
- replaying events
- self-blame
Emotional
- fear of their mood
- guilt
- hopelessness
- shame
Social
- asking permission
- hiding harm
- isolation from friends
- keeping the peace
What Causes Abuse?
Abuse has many roots, from the person causing harm to the world around them:
- Power and control: abuse often comes from wanting control over someone else’s choices.
- History: many people who cause harm were harmed themselves, which still never excuses it.
- Relationships: dependence, isolation and secrecy can make abuse easier to hide and make it harder to leave.
- The world: oppression teaches abuse, and gender norms, poverty, racism and systems that doubt victims let abuse continue.
None of these make abuse okay, or make it your fault.
Leaving or speaking up can feel unsafe, and staying can feel unsafe too.
Support is available, whether you stay, leave or aren't sure yet.
Abuse and Your Nervous System
Abuse can keep your nervous system on alert, and fear can keep that alarm switched on.
You might notice your stomach drops at a car door, or your voice goes small around certain people.
The human nervous system is wired for connection, not to make sense of harm from people.
Your nervous system does whatever it takes to survive, including staying connected.
When it senses you can’t fight or flee, it may freeze or stay soft and appeasing.
Each survival mechanism is a way your body keeps you alive, not a weakness.
Abuse and Trauma
What if your body learned to love and fear the same person?
When someone you depend on hurts you, your body has to stay close and stay guarded at the same time.
Abuse can also be hard to see clearly when it's all you've known.
That’s part of why leaving, naming or stopping abuse can feel so hard.
You might find yourself apologizing, going numb, losing your temper or trusting no one.
Each of these once helped you stay as safe as you could.
With safety and support, your life can become your own again.
Ways to Care for Yourself
Trust yourself
If something feels wrong, listen to that, even if others doubt you. Trust your body and trust your instincts.
One safe person
Stay in touch with someone who cares about you, even if they don't know what's happening or live far away.
Daydream
Imagine where you could go, who you could call, what you could do, if you could do anything.
Safe in this moment
Find small moments where you feel safe, even for one minute. Breathe softly and let your body rest.
When to Get Help
You might tell yourself it wasn’t that bad, or that it’s in the past.
But abuse can harm your health and leave you unsure who or what to trust, including yourself.
It might be time to reach out if you:
- are being hurt right now
- feel on guard around certain people
- keep reliving what happened
- want to stop hurting someone
It doesn’t have to be physical or current to get support.
When you feel unsafe, it’s time to get help.
Therapy can help you rebuild a sense of safety.
Questions About Abuse
Why do I still care about them?
Why did I stay so long?
Why do I blame myself?
Does seeing abuse as a kid affect me?
Is it abuse if there’s no violence?
How do I help someone being abused?
I’ve hurt someone. Can I change?
What is coercive control?
Resources for Abuse in Alberta
If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.
If you’re in crisis, call or text 988 any time, day or night. For more crisis lines across Alberta, visit our crisis support page.
Support Lines
- Family Violence Info Line: Call or text 310-1818. Confidential help 24/7, in more than 170 languages.
- Men's Resource Line: 1-833-327-6367. Free support 24/7 for men, including men experiencing or using abuse.
- One Line for Sexual Violence: Call or text 1-866-403-8000, or chat online. Free, confidential support, 9am to 9pm daily.
Learn and Practice
- Alberta Council of Women's Shelters: Find a shelter near you, or call the 24/7 line at 1-866-331-3933.
- Alberta Family Violence Supports: Find outreach, counselling and legal help across Alberta.
- Clare's Law: Ask about a partner's history of violence if you're worried about your safety.
Related Topics in This Library
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