Money Matters: Building a Healthy Financial Relationship

Money holds a significant place in our lives, not only as a means of survival, but as a symbol of comfort, power, security, and status. The psychology of money goes beyond simple math. Money deeply influences how we feel, how we behave, and our most intimate relationships, especially romantic partnerships.

John and Julie Gottman's decades of research on couples show that how partners handle conflict, including conflict about money, says a lot about the long-term health of a relationship. Because money can be such a polarizing topic, many couples don't come to these conversations easily. The result can be misunderstandings, hurt feelings, resentment, and financial choices that don't line up with their shared dreams.

Understanding your own relationship with money, and how it affects your partnership, is one of the best ways to build a healthier financial life together.

The psychology of money in relationships

Our relationship with money is deeply rooted in our upbringing, experiences, and beliefs.

Here are some common ways money shows up in relationships:

Money scripts

Money scripts are unconscious beliefs about money, formed through lifelong experiences that often go back to our earliest memories.

These beliefs shape our financial choices, behaviours, and attitudes, and can even affect our lifestyle decisions.

For example: Someone who grew up in a home where money was scarce, and who often heard their parents argue about it, might come to believe there will never be enough, and that talking about money is scary.

Financial compatibility

Partners often have different values about spending, saving, and investing.

These differences can lead to conflict if they aren't talked about.

For example: One partner is a spender and the other is a saver. The spender may start hiding purchases out of shame or guilt, while the saver begins to feel resentment and anger. Left unaddressed, this dynamic can quickly lead to deeper wounds in the relationship.

Financial infidelity

What counts as financial infidelity can look different in every relationship, but hidden debts, secret accounts, or undisclosed spending can all erode trust.

For example: Your partner opens a new line of credit without talking to you, which leads to years of debt payments and a sense of mistrust.

Power dynamics

How a couple manages money can reveal unhealthy patterns of control and how decisions get made.

If these patterns go unexplored, they can lead to feelings of inequality, resentment, and unhappiness.

For example: One partner manages all the finances and decides how any extra money is spent, leaving the other partner to ask permission to spend.

Or: One partner is passive about finances and doesn't help with planning or problem-solving, leaving the other partner frustrated or blaming them for how money is handled.

If one partner uses money to control, restrict, or isolate the other, that can be financial abuse. If this sounds familiar, you can call Alberta's Family Violence Info Line at 310-1818, 24/7, for confidential support.

Building a healthy financial relationship as a couple

If you struggle to talk about money in your relationship, you aren't alone!

Luckily, there are some tried and true ways to change your relationship's relationship with money. Try putting these into practice:

Communicate openly

Honest, respectful communication about money is essential.

Try this: Set a monthly money meeting to talk through financial goals and concerns, and make decisions as a team. Set it up for success by choosing a low-stress time when you can both focus. And come ready to share what went well over the last month!

Develop shared goals

Shared financial goals aren't just about retirement or buying your first home. They let you dream together, strengthen your partnership, and build a sense of unity.

Try this: Get specific and curious about your goals! When will that dream vacation be, and for how long? Where would you like to stay? What experiences would make it a lifelong memory together? And finally, what's a realistic savings number to make it happen?

Manage money together

Work together to understand your household finances.

You might decide to create a budget together that reflects both partners' values and priorities.

Try this: Spend time together going over your income, fixed monthly expenses, and variable expenses. Be open, honest, and non-judgmental about your money choices. Intentionally set aside money for shared expenses, savings, and each partner's personal spending.

Get support when you need it

You aren't alone if you feel overwhelmed about where to start!

If money conflicts keep coming up or feel overwhelming, consider reaching out to an advice-only financial planner or a couples therapist. Professional support can give you tools and strategies to address what's underneath and strengthen your relationship.

It's not just about the dollars and cents

Money plays a significant role in shaping the dynamics of romantic relationships.

By understanding the psychology of money and practising healthy financial habits together, couples can build a strong foundation of trust, communication, and mutual respect.

Remember, it's not just about the dollars and cents. It's about building a life together based on shared values and goals.

Relationship Therapy in Alberta

If money has become a source of conflict in your relationship, reaching out for support can help.

Relationship therapy offers a space to understand the patterns and values underneath financial stress. A therapist can help you and your partner build trust, communication, and a shared plan.

You can build this together.

This article is for general information only and is not financial, legal, or clinical advice, or a substitute for therapy.

If you or someone you care about is in crisis or at risk of harm, please get help now. Call 911 or go to your nearest emergency department. You can also call or text 988 any time for suicide and crisis support. For more options, see our crisis support page.

About the Authors

Jennifer Hrstic is a trauma and EMDR therapist helping adults and teens in Calgary and across Alberta. She specializes in working with adults who are struggling with trauma, fatigue, and chronic illness or pain, to work toward healing, wellness, and meaningful connected relationships. Jennifer is a Canadian Certified Counsellor.

Tiffany Smith is a Registered Psychologist with Map Psychology in Calgary. She works with individuals and couples on relationship communication, intimacy, and healing from betrayal, as well as depression, anxiety, stress, ADHD, self-esteem, life transitions, and parenting.