How to Talk to a Teenager & Get Your Teenager to Talk to You

Teenagers are rapidly changing and can seem to morph into an entirely different person in the blink of an eye. They keep parents on their toes, and sometimes leave parents wondering what they are doing. It is especially difficult to know what to do when things get challenging.

Teens are developing their independence, figuring out their identity, navigating hormones, and trying to understand their social world. One of the most frequent questions parents ask is: How do I talk to my teen?

This is a tough time for teens and parents. By keeping the lines of communication open, parents can deepen their relationship with their teen and foster conversations about many topics.

10 ways to talk to your teenager, and get your teenager to talk to you

1. Keep talking to your teenager

Even if it seems that your teen does not want to talk to you, never stop talking to them.

Although it may not seem like it, they are always listening. If you ask them every day how school was and you are only met with a grunt, keep asking. Ask about classes, friends, hobbies, and anything your teen is interested in.

By keeping that door open, they will see that you care, you are not giving up, and you are leaving space for them when they need and are ready to talk.

2. Have conversations about the things they enjoy

Be genuine, even if it means talking about things you know nothing about or aren't particularly interested in yourself.

Just be interested in your teen. You can talk about sports, video games, hobbies, and their upcoming plans. This sends the message, I care, and I am truly interested in what's going on in your life. Again, don't stop trying, even if you only get mumbles or one-word answers.

3. Be present and pay attention

Your teen needs to be heard.

Like anyone else, they want to share their adventures, perspectives, and experiences with someone who is listening and actually hearing them. This is not the time to check email, play on your phone, or think about your response.

Sit with your teen, be present with them, and truly listen. This sends the message that they are important, and you want to hear what they are saying.

4. Respect what your teen has to say

This can be tough, especially if what your teen is saying worries you or goes against what you think.

We want to keep the door open and the environment safe so our teens are comfortable approaching us. Do not dismiss or criticize their thoughts, ideas, or opinions.

It is important that teens always have an open, safe door to walk through, and nothing shuts the door faster than shame and blame. Listen and talk from a place of non-judgment, and let them know you are taking their worries seriously.

5. Be ready for tough conversations

Difficult topics like drugs, alcohol, sex, gender, identity, self-esteem, self-harm, and relationships will come up.

Your teen needs a safe place to land when they have questions, fears, and experiences around these issues. It may help to think ahead about the tough conversations you may need to have, so you are ready when it's time to talk. When you're prepared, you are less likely to react with criticism, judgment, or your own embarrassment.

6. Keep your comments short and sweet

Don't expect to have long, deep conversations with your teen all the time.

Keep any guidance brief so your teen can stay focused. It is about the quality and consistency of the conversations, not the length.

Teens will also likely tune out adults who are lecturing or scolding within moments. Lecturing may also stop your teen from coming to you the next time they want to talk about something difficult, especially if they feel like they made a mistake or did something wrong.

7. Listen before you give advice or offer to help

Parents often want to guide or help their teen, but balance is needed.

Teens need to figure things out on their own sometimes, and talking it through may be all they need. If you offer advice too fast, they may become discouraged.

Before you start making suggestions, a great question to ask when your teen wants to talk is: Do you want me to listen, or do you want advice? This lets your teen set the stage and allows for a smoother, more productive conversation.

8. Keep calm and take a break if you need to

Despite your best intentions, these conversations can become heated as emotions rise.

Regulate yourself. If things are escalating, the conversation is no longer productive, or voices are being raised, pause and suggest a break until everyone has calmed down. Yelling is not productive and can make future conversations harder.

When you are both calm, agree on some rules about when to take breaks, so everyone knows what to expect if the situation comes up.

9. Set regular times to chat

A regular or scheduled time to talk is a great way to build in space for genuine conversations.

Although they may not always show it, quality time is valuable to your teen. Driving to activities or errands is a great time to chat. Your teen isn't distracted, and sitting side by side without eye contact can feel like less pressure.

Make sure any difficult conversations happen in person. Too much is lost through text messages, and your teen needs to see you making the time to be with them and listen.

10. Hang out with your teenager

Teens don't always want to talk, and connection comes in many forms.

Time together can reinforce the foundation of your relationship. Have them join you on a walk, have lunch together, play video games, play ball, or watch a movie or show together. The possibilities are endless.

This is a great time to enjoy one another's company and get to know the person your teen is becoming. It also further opens the door if your teen wants to talk about what is on their mind.

When to pay closer attention

The more you watch and listen, the more you will hear.

Paying attention will help you notice when something seems off with your teen. Children change as they enter their teenage years, and sometimes it is hard to know whether to be worried or whether what they are doing is normal.

Some things to watch for in your teen are:

• Changes in grades or losing interest in activities
• Isolating themselves or big changes in friendships
• Significant weight loss or gain
• Signs of drug or alcohol use
• Extreme changes in sleep patterns or trouble sleeping
• Excessive use of technology, like social media, video games, or phones
• Getting in trouble more often, possibly with the law

If you're worried your teen may be thinking about suicide or self-harm, ask them directly and get support. Your teen can call Kids Help Phone or text CONNECT to 686868 any time, and you can both call or text 988. See our crisis support page for more options.

Take what works and leave the rest

Parenting advice is everywhere. Take what works for you and leave the rest behind.

Families come in all shapes and sizes, with different communication styles and dynamics. Try a new strategy, or go back to one you have used in the past and see if it works now. As we grow, what works changes. If something doesn't work, that's okay. It just means it may be time to try another.

It is also okay to reach out for help. Connecting with an empathetic therapist, in an environment where judgment has no place, is a great way to understand and work through the many different parts of parenthood.

These years are full of opportunities for your teen to grow. It's also important to remember that now, more than ever, they need the adults in their life, even if they say they don't. Let them stumble, let them flourish, let them need you, and let them fly.

The teenage years are confusing for parents and teens alike. Be kind to yourself, keep talking to your teen, give them a safe place to land, and you will make it through these years before you know it.

Family Therapy in Alberta

If communication with your teen has felt strained or stuck, reaching out for support can help.

Family therapy offers a space to understand the patterns between you and find new ways to connect. A therapist can help your family build trust, communicate more openly, and navigate this stage together.

You can find your way back to each other.

This article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

If you or someone you care about is in crisis or at risk of harm, please get help now. Call 911 or go to your nearest emergency department. You can also call or text 988 any time for suicide and crisis support. For more options, see our crisis support page.

About the Author

Bonnie Kelly is a Registered Psychologist who works with individuals, families, and couples, specializing in teens and families navigating identity, gender, relationships, and school. She provides affirming therapy, especially for neurodiverse, gender diverse, and 2SLGBTQIA+ folks, and is passionate about helping people understand and express themselves, find their strengths, connect, and thrive.